In love, age seven

Saskia and I are alone in the van on our way home from school, winding along Dollarton Highway in the slanting afternoon sun. She's in the back seat, quietly looking out the window, when her voice floats over to me: "Can little kids get married?" She asks with sudden great interest, like she can't believe the idea never occurred to her before.

"No."

"Oh." She digests this. She doesn't necessarily sound disappointed.

"Did someone tell you they can?"

"Colin did."

I know who Colin is. He has a sweet round face, brown eyes and hair, reminds me of a bear cub. I had watched him interact with Saskia the other day after school. He hovered around her with obvious adoration. At one point as she brushed by he reached out to play with the bunny tag swinging from her backpack. He looked totally smitten.

"He wants to marry me. In Grade 1 he really liked me. Now in Grade 2, he says he's in love with me." Her voice changes when she says in love, the words weighted with respect.

"That's nice, to have a friend that likes you so much."

She corrects me: "Loves me so much. I'm actually in love with him, too. That doesn't happen every day, does it, that two little kids are in love with each other?"

For once I am completely at a loss as to how to answer.

I know that's she's asking innocently, that a classmate with an older sibling probably introduced the concept. But I don't find anything cute or amusing about children adopting those ideas. I'm always surprised when other mothers chuckle and tell me what a flirt their kindergartner is, or tease their elementary school-aged son about girlfriends. I think friendships between young boys and girls should be considered completely natural. When they're treated as remarkable, I feel that the idea being instilled is that matching up with a member of the opposite sex is the first priority in life, to be pursued right out of the starting gate. That disturbs me. Falling in and out of love (and being consumed by it) is going to happen eventually anyway - why encourage it prematurely at age seven?

On the other hand, I don't want to dismiss her feelings, either. I remember my own intense crushes in elementary school, and they were impervious to other people's validation of them. (There was Chris, who had the affections of every girl in the class, in Grade 3; and Dino, who was a swimmer and reportedly shaved his legs, in Grade 4.)  I wouldn't have dreamed of telling my mother about them, though.

I don't feel prepared for this conversation; I'm unsure of my stance and whether there's even any real importance to the issue. I give Saskia an unsophisticated answer, fumbling, trying to affirm her affection for her friend while dismantling any romantic constructs, steering her away from the idea that she is in love without belittling her experience.

She unhesitatingly accepts what I have to say, then conspiratorially offers an anecdote: "Once I kissed a piece of popcorn and gave it to him and do you know what he did with it?"

"What?"

"He ate it."

Comments

[Amy H.]

Excellent post, I wholeheartedly agree. I have never understood friends and family members that make a point of talking about little Sally's boyfriend in kindergarten. I just don't get it! I do like her anecdote;)

[Janice]

I also agree. But when the children are at school, their world blooms into a whole new sphere. Other kids have siblings that are engaged or have boyfriends and its only natural that the younger ones talk to their peers about love and 'boyfriends' and 'girlfriends'. My son takes the most ribbing from his older sister b/c he sits on the bus with a girl from his class.(she likes his Lego magazine)
Garrett pashaws the whole idea, but I can tell he's secretly pleased.

[Kathleen]

i find this post really beautiful, & it questions my own thoughts about how i'll face this issue once my daughter is that age. you've written down my exact feelings quite well. thank you !

[Pearl]

Well stated. My daughter in grade one announced in the car yesterday that someone told her the world record book has a 10 year old girl who had a baby. Now that's a whole other challenge!

[Angela]

wow, yup, that's a tough one and one I hadn't really thought about until now. I tend to agree with your thoughts on the whole thing. I remember a few different girls from my class and they started to talk about getting married and having kids at a very young age...and it became very apparent that that was their goal in life (not that there's anything necessarily wrong with that) but it does make me wonder if their parents encouraged that from the get go...I suspect so.

[Diana]

I remember a similar conversation with my seven year-old. We were nicely lying on a blanket in our backyard watching the clouds go by when she asked, "how will I know he's the right one?" Jolt to reality.

[JeanMac]

What trust she has in you. I'd never have shared a conversation like that with my Mom.

[Marin]

We were talking about this in class, how parents typically enforce the boy-girl adult relationship on young children. I'm sure people don't mean to do it, but they do and I agree completely that it does seem to be a social imperative rather than a parental one.

[Christie]

How much of this is also just the young child's tendency to copy adult behaviour? How different is this from my daughter pretending to do dishes at her little kitchen, or pretending to go out the door, and immediately walking back in and yelling, "I'm home from work!" Is "pretending to marriage" an evolution of that same tendency, or is it wholly different?

[FreshMD]

@Christie: I've wondered the same thing. I think the difference is that when kids play house or kitchen, they know that they're pretending. When Saskia talks about being in love or asks about children marrying, she's absolutely serious. When she plays with her toys and the stuffed bear marries the Persian cat, then she's pretending, and I don't discourage it. But when actual friendships are affected by preoccupations with being matched up with the opposite sex, I have some reservations.

[celeste allyn]

I remember telling my niece she was not allowed to date until she was 50.