Boy babysitters

While I was working with a psychiatrist as a resident, we had a discussion about child sexual abuse. He asked if I had children. Saskia was a year old at the time.

"As the father of three teenaged sons, I hate to say this," he advised. "But never let any boy or man babysit your daughter."

I find this tricky. I dislike a blanket exclusion of male babysitters; I have brothers and friends I trust completely. But evaluating babysitters for pedophilia risk on a case-by-case basis is even more discomfiting. Since most abuse is by relatives and family friends, simply excluding the neighbourhood boys from the babysitting roster misses the point.

So far, we've lucked out and found several batches of teenaged sisters who babysit for us regularly. But if they couldn't make it, and had a brother, and he offered to fill in . . .

It would be awkward, but I'd say no.

Comments

[Chandra]

I know exactly where you're coming from. I think if our oldest was a boy, that might be different, but having a daughter as the oldest has caused us to have the same "girls only" babysitting policy. It's a sad situation that this world has come to, but that's the same reason that I always am the one to pick up and drop off the babysitters; there's just no point in taking chances!

[Hilary]

Dr. Dobson has the same advice - don't tempt where raging hormones are concerned...

[Chris]

I would have to agree - Dr. Dobson's Raising Boys talks about this and I would not have a boy babysitter, even if we had only sons! But I do let Darryl drive the babysitter home, seeing as how she lives only a block away! :o)

[Pete]

I find the prevailing point of view depressing considering how often I was asked to babysit when I was a teenager. Evidently our willingness to trust others has changed dramatically in 15-20 years.

[Colin]

I'm not sure that it is a matter of being unwilling to trust others as we used to, but perhaps more so that we have increased awareness of these extremely unfortunate events. I completely concur that we would not have a 'boy' babysitter - and we have even stopped our eldest from visiting a 'boy'friend (she is in grade 1) where there are only boys in the house, ranging from 6 to 14 years. Better safe than sorry!

[Peter Ian]

Colin, you're depriving your child of relationships with other people. You've created an atmosphere of suspicion and distrust towards all the male members of our species that aren't related to you and your family.

What's going to happen when your child is lost somewhere, needs help, and she's afraid to ask every single male person she sees for help, in fact, assumes that they're all beasts?

Oh yeah, I forgot, you'll get her a cell phone.

Ironically, your child's cousins and uncles are probably more likely to abuse than the babysitter, so you're not really safe. (And I should add here that it's not unheard of for females to abuse.)

So your child has lost and you haven't really gained. All that just to make you feel that you've done something to protect your child. And this during a time when crimes rates have declined. You're buying into the media hype and relationally, we're all poorer for it.

See http://www.sciencejournalism.net/prescription_for_hype.htm about the hype.

[Martina]

Pete,

You said, "You've created an atmosphere of suspicion and distrust towards all the male members of our species that aren't related to you and your family," but you don't know what explanation, if any, Colin gave his daughter.

We don't have male babysitters, but our kids haven't even noticed, and so I've never given an explanation. Saskia's never asked why boys don't babysit her, and if she did, I wouldn't give her an answer that instilled a mistrust of all men.

I would have reservations about letting my six-year-old daughter play at a home with all boys aged six to fourteen . . . you wouldn't?

I disagree that Colin's depriving his daughter of relationships. He didn't say their friendship was forbidden, just that his daughter can't visit at her friend's home.

And even if some relationships are sacrificed, I think it's worth it if it prevents a relationship you'd wish with all your heart she'd never had.

[celeste]

I am afraid that it just doesn't stop at babysitters.
Every day we can place our children into seemingly "innocent" situations.
For example, every year we will take our children to visit a man dressed up in a red suit. We will ask our child, actually cajole that child into sitting on the lap of a completely unknown stranger.
It is not the idea of mistrust as much as a loving parent making wise decisions for this small, trusting child.
Believe me, the day will come when a child may not accept that decision and do their own thing. One can only hope that the child in question will have learned to make their own wise decisions by having observed their parents making wise decisions.

[Bonnie]

Never let a teenage boy babysit! We learned too late. He was our neighbor and we were great friends with his parents. Apparently curiousity and hormones are too strong.

After the forensic interview with my 4 year old daughter, the detective made it a point of telling us how frequent sexual abuse was when committed by teenage, male babysitters. Something like 70% of male babysitters in that age range have committed some form of molestation.
I remember screaming aloud "Oh my God! Why have we never heard that before!"
His answer- political correctness.

[Connie]

We, too, found out too late that it is not wise to allow teenage boys to babysit. We also were told the statistics by the police, who conducted the interview with our autistic son [who was about 8 years old at the time of the abuse]. A 16-year-old male neighbor, whom we trusted completely, was babysitting just a couple of hours, right after school, three days a week, for a few months. His parents were very close, Christian friends of ours and we had NO reason to be suspicious until our son repeated something very inappropriate that the teenager had said. If having a teenage boy babysit, is your only option, then please, be sure your child[ren] is/are capable of communicating inappropriate behaviors [and encourage them to do so]! I have never experienced anything more devestating than that!

[Timothylong]

I too was babysat by a boy teen. Rodney was about 14. The first time he babysat me I was about 6. He was very, a loving caregiver. My parents contimued to use him for years as other siblings arrived. He never touched me, in any way that was wrong, even in the bath. and I remember how he took care of my new sister while Mom was re-cooperating. I now have 3 children of my own, 2 boys and a beautiful girl,and even though we have a steady female sitter, I would have no problem, nor my wife of using a young male model.