Happiness at home and in the clinic

The five recommendations for mental health from my previous post crystallized a few things for me.

First, it offers an explanation for why a day at the clinic is almost always extremely satisfying, whereas a day at home with the kids must be carefully crafted to provide close to the same level of happiness. I'm not talking about long-term gratification or blissful moments, where at-home mothering easily holds its own. I'm referring to my state of mind at dinner time, when I review the day.

Medicine has an advantage in that it inherently ensures that I connect with colleagues and patients, take notice of the details of others' lives, learn continuously and give to others. I tick off four of those five boxes just by going through my day. I check off all five when I hunt for free parking and walk eight blocks to the clinic.

Staying home with the kids, few of those five activities occur spontaneously. When the path of least resistance is followed, a length of time at home seems to naturally tend towards isolation, inactivity, monotony and boredom. Most of my days at home are pleasant ones, but only because of the work I put into making them so. Scavenging in the woods, photographing ruddy cheeks and muddy boots at the beach and meeting up with friends for afternoon tea at Honey's Doughnuts make for good days, but require concerted effort on my part.

Second, the list validates the time I take during the day for pleasurable pursuits. Knitting while the kids nap, bringing The Element of Lavishness along to the beach and fiddling with a setting on my camera during lunch are often accompanied by some guilty twinges. Shouldn't every moment with my children be devoted to them? And any spare ones be spent reading Parkhurst Exchange? 

But I see that all of my hobbies include several of the five happiness-inducing habits: photography involves learning and taking notice; writing requires taking notice, connecting with others and learning; and gardening entails being active, learning and taking notice. 

Now I can articulate why tucking away pockets of time for these activities during the day is not frivolous: it may quite literally preserve my sanity.

Comments

[colicmommy]

Thank you so much. You just don't even know...

Last year I had my third baby, and fell into deep, dark postpartum depression. I was so drowned in my children that there was no "me" left at all. I lost myself, quite literally.

It took me months of people telling me it was okay to do EXACLTY these five things before it sunk in and I did so. I'm so much better this year, but the guilty twinges still (still!) haunt me at times. You're just so right, though. Thank you for getting the message out there. I think for work at home/stay at home moms esp., the message cannot be stated enough.

[Xavier Emmanuelle]

Random: I love Honey's doughnuts.

This post certainly gives me another reason to list for why medicine is so perfect for me!

[Annapolitan]

Thank you for posting the list. I printed it out and have posted it above my desk. I was looking for something to give me a hand in getting out of this rut I'm in (not going to call it depression, more like the doldrums), but as someone who lives alone and works at home, I needed some easy steps to follow.

[Amy H.]

Great post - helps me feel better, too:)

[The Other Pete]

And that's also why many full-time doctors can't retire; they don't have a life outside of medicine.

[ER Mom]

Thank you for this post. This was very timely for me, as I have been lately wondering why I don't find satisfaction and domestic bliss on my days off from my part time job in medicine. Recently I bought a sewing machine in order to redefine "me" and reclaim my time, and already feel guilt about it. Thank you for the reminder that these really are the things I need to preserve my sanity.

[Mary Smith]

I've been planning fun things for the kids on Thursdays (when Megan doesn't have preschool) and we just love it! When I just stay at home, I can feel a bit stir-crazy!

[Tessa]

How odd... I read that list and though "yup... that's what staying home with the kids is like!"

[FreshMD]

I'm so glad that people found this post useful.

@The Other Pete: I find your observation fascinating.

@Tessa: You're lucky! Perhaps the difficulties I refer to are caused by part-time work, which leads to the inevitable comparing of work vs home experiences. Of note, I posted this on Mothers in Medicine and got little response, which I attribute to most of those readers working full-time and not relating to the post.

[rubberband]

I relate to this post a great deal. Having worked in the medical field with happy and positive feedback,it was a vastly different circumstance bringing up children full time (and part caring for aged parents.) Fun things brought guilt along with them (for jobs left undone) and like you I had to "put work" into giving the children happy memories and making enthusiastic days to tell "dad" about.
Symptoms of an illness were there already but frustratingly not diagnosed until later as an auto-immune disease. At present, "home alone" during the day, and not able to do very much, I "still" struggle with guilt at filling time for enjoyment alone. The result is often that "nothing" is achieved. This vicious cycle has caused severe depression. Isolation and monotony alone, are dangers for mental health. You have done a great service to the community by drawing attention to this whole concept.If you can, find many more places to post it.
Thank you for courageously (by sharing your thoughts) identifying this huge problem.